I'm a lazy bum and I feel bad about it, but I've got so much important stuff to do, and hearing my Aunt harp to me about it every day just makes me want to do it less.
Yes I know I need to fill out the paperwork for the lawyer and get a job and go back to school and loose some fucking weight thanks for the fucking confidence boost.
I dunno, everyone is stressed and we keep grouching on each other and we're out of money. It's not like she doesn't have valid points, I need to do all this stuff, like really bad.
But the way she says it makes me just want to sit there and cry, makes me all depressed and feel like a failure. All I want to do is sit here on the computer and just loose myself in pointless bullshit till I forget it all.
And then the cycle starts all over again.
I mean today, I weighed myself at the grocery store and found out I'd lost about 8 pounds in like 2 weeks.
That's great, I've broke the 200 mark and really need to slim down, for health sakes, and she's going on and on about how great that is.
Except she seems to have conveniently forgotten about the fact that the sudden weight loss was from when I was sick about 2 weeks ago, in which I was bedridden for about 2 days, purging from both ends as my insides cramped in agony, unable to do anything but nurse a single bottle of water for all that time.
And today, she practically ordered me to get up and fill out applications, which was fine, except she kept going on about how I obviously wasn't going to do it myself, and how I'm probably the only one who would be able to get a job, implying that the lack of money is because I'm lazy and won't apply, and going on and on and on and on till I want to cry.
Yeah I know your stressed Debbie, go take another fucking swig of your god damn peppermint booze and leave me out of it.
Never mind the fact that I've never had a job before, and I'm scared as fucking shit, and that I've explained, quite clearly, that paperwork, no matter how easy it is for everyone else, makes no sense at all to me. Never mind that I would probably feel a lot better about it all if someone would just sit down with me and help me out, step by step, without making me feel like a stupid little shit, becuase I've got no clue how to do it.
Never mind the fact that I spent until I was like, 12 taking care of my mother, and then took care of my nephew until like, a year ago, so while I'm book smart, I have no fucking clue how life works and could never actually take care of myself, and that all my past, active attempts to take control of my life have ended with me so fucking confused that I get depressed and frustrated and give up.
Nope, all she see is the unmotivated me that I've been for the past year, and with my spacy memory (which you guys know is like, the worst kind of spacy) she seems to think I'm being purposely antagonistic.
Never mind the fact that I'm just as equally stressed out as fucking her, and that I have no fucking time to myself anymore so my depression and the stress and all the pressure is so fucking backed up that I'm just completely apathetic.
I just don't fucking care anymore.
God she knows how to make me feel like a stupid piece of fucking nothing.
Her favorite phrase right now, is "She's/Your no help".
She is not shy about that not at all.
*sigh* If we only had some fucking money. I need to get of my ass already.
I'm sorry, I understand that that wasn't an invitation to rant, I'm just so stressed and depressed right now, I needed to vent, just ignore me and my stupid self pity.
Tell me about your summer. I've read a bit in your journals and it sounds like so much fun. Come on, I need something to cheer me up.
First off, your aunt sounds like a bitch, secondly, starting a job for the first time is a bit scary, but you eventually drop into the swing of it. I've been working at burger king for six months now, since February. I was really scared the first day, but it wasn't very hard, the first few days are the best because you don't have to do anything, people just show you. I got to watch dvd's for most of my shift. X3 the money makes up for all the bullshit I promise, and it feels good to be productive and to have your own money. I'm paying bills and taxes now like a real adult and its really cool. Once you start making money though it feels even worse when you run out of it, so you need to be careful.
I'm sorry to hear that you were sick btw, and I'm not sure if it would be invasive if i asked why you need a lawyer. But you asked to hear about my summer so I'll tell you, but first off I need to ask if we're having this conversation on a persons page or my own. I think we should move it to notes if its the first.